I love you, kiddo
by planet p
Summary: AU; Jarod and his father have come to visit Margaret and Jarod's new baby brother in the hospital, but is a visit from her family really just what Margaret needs?


**I love you, kiddo** by planet p

**Disclaimer** I don't own _the Pretender_ or any of its characters.

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_1959_

Even at thirteen months, Margaret finds something to worry about in the look in her son's eyes when he is brought to visit his new baby brother and mother in hospital. It is a look of consternation, of troubles foretold, and though, to the rest of the world, it may seem like nothing more than a frown, Margaret knows otherwise. Perhaps, she thinks, if she were to caution a guess after Jarod's thoughts, she might even caution right: Will he be like me?

It's one of those things that hurt that she can never speak up about and say, 'Yes, it hurts; this is why.' As young as he is, she understands very well that Jarod has clued onto the fact that he is different from other children his age.

It is only a week since Jarod has learned to walk and that is another thing that hurts Margaret. She wants to tell him, 'No, wait a little while,' but she's frightened. Will he understand that's she's telling him it out of love, or will he simply not understand what she is telling him at all?

Sometimes, when it's dark and she knows she should be fast asleep, like her husband, she thinks that these are all the things that will kill her one day; all of the things that creep up on you slowly then fall down on you with all the subtlety of a tonne of bricks. She was a bad mother, a liar; she lied to her children, to her husband, the man she was supposably in love with! All of these things kill her, one day at a time, and every day anew.

The new baby is a boy, she tells her husband and son, and sees a flicker of something in her son's eyes; something her husband misses. Jarod's thinking that the baby should have been a girl, she knows. A boy, and then a girl. He had wanted a sister, she thinks.

'He may not be what you wanted,' she wants to lean down and whisper in his ear, 'but you will learn to love him. I understand, you see. Learning is what you do best, and you will learn to love your little brother if it's the only thing you learn. Family is the most important thing in the world, kiddo.'

She keeps this to herself; she doesn't say even a single word. Not in front of her husband.

Family, she thinks, is all that you really have. Other people, are all that you really have. Alone, you can't be a person; alone, you are not a human being, you are just a thing.

Some people go their whole lives believing they are alone, and some people deliberately cultivate that feeling.

She finds it all depressing. Lately, everything has been so depressing through her eyes.

She tries to think of his new baby, to see him, through the eyes of someone other than herself; her husband's, or her son's. She tries to find wonder or joy; all of those things she's read about or heard about, all of those things people will tell you about that you suddenly feel when a new baby is born, when a new addition to the family arrives.

She only feels a mounting dread, and thinks, _Oh I love you, kiddo. I'm sorry. Promise me we're together on this; we'll learn to love Kyle together. If you're with me, I can do anything. I'm just so tired right now. But I'll bounce back, I promise. Smile, okay. Give me a smile, okay. Help me out here._

Looking into her husband's face, at his grownup hand holding Jarod's tiny child's hand, she can't remember a single reason she fell in love with him; she can't bring to herself even a single spark of warmth, a single feeling of love.

Ashamed at herself – she does love Charles, she does! – she lets her gaze slide to her son's face, hoping – she'd get down on her knees and beg, if she could – that his expression has changed, that his little frown is all gone, and she sees that he is smiling.

She wants to cry, but she can't because she is smiling. Thank you, little child, she thinks, with all of the fondness of a parent for its child, and, suddenly, even though her smile is pretend – even though she's made her son an accomplice in her lie, this time – it's the only thing that is.

She does love these people, this man and little boy; she does love her family! Oh, and she is going to love them for a long, long time!

She looks at the baby then, and yes, she even loves him.


End file.
